Numb
by baconandmalec
Summary: Post CoG. Two-shot, for now. Alec feels detached from the world after Max's death, until he returns to the institute. Then he feels all too a part of the world. TRIGGER WARNINGS
1. part 1

When Max died, Isabelle cried. Maryse cried. Jace, who usually pushed all his feelings to the side, cried. Robert, who rarely seemed to feel anything other than anger and disappoint, cried. Alec did not cry.

He watched the others grieve. He held Jace as he sobbed into his shoulder. He heard his mother bawling through the night. He watched tears slide down his father's cheeks, once when he heard the news and again at the funeral. He clumsily braided Izzy's hair as she lay beside him, unable to sleep through the night.

And yet, Alec did not cry.

Magnus was the first person Alec had told, outside of family.

"Max is dead." He said, dully and monotone. He couldn't make his voice express emotions anymore he could himself. Magnus thought he was just in shock. Alec thought so too.

Magnus hugged him, willing to keep hugging him until he ran out of tears, but no tears came. And so Alec pulled away, and told him that he was hungry and should get home and make dinner.

That is what he did, but no one in the house ate except him. Jace said he didn't have an appetite, didn't have the stomach to eat right now, and Isabelle screamed at him, calling him a monster for even thinking about food after his little brother had just died.

So Alec took his plate to the room he shared with Jace while in Alicante, and sat staring at the wall while he ate. He couldn't taste the flavours, couldn't tell if the food was hot, or cold, or warm. He was numb.

He just wanted to feel something, to know he was still alive. That night was the first time he did it. Jace was sleeping, but Alec couldn't. He was kept awake, thinking about the words Isabelle had screamed at him earlier. A monster, she had said, and he knew that she was right. He was a monster, with no emotions.

He slid out of bed, crossed the hall to the bathroom. He didn't want to use a seraph blade or anything so holy, to do such monstrous things. Alec opened numerous drawers, looking for something sharp. A razor, perhaps, but he found a small pair of scissors instead, the kind you use to trim your nails with.

Alec breathed out, slow and precise. He didn't feel his chest rising or falling and he would have been scared, under normal circumstances. But these weren't normal circumstances and he wasn't scared and that was the _problem_.

With that, he pressed the tip of the scissors to his wrist and slid it across, drawing beads of blood. It wasn't deep enough to truly cause him any harm, but the sting of it brought a rush of adrenaline. Now that he could feel something, it was exhilarating and he didn't want the pain to end. He decided that he would heal slow and ugly, like a mundane. Let it scar and remind him that he was human, at least partially.

Still, after that night, he was back to waiting for his mind to catch up, for his brain to process what had happened, but it didn't. Not for a month or so, until he finally returned to the Institute, a small collection of scars now decorating his wrist.

The moment he walked through the doors, he was reminded of Max. His coat was still hung up, and when Alec peered into the library on the way to his room, he could see a book Max had left on the table, open and face down. In the sunroom, there was Max's favourite chair, right by the window, and the one opposite it, the chairs they used to sit in, reading together in comforting silence.

The journey to Alec's room was slow and it hurt, but he was nevertheless glad for the painful memories, because the numbness was beginning to ebb away. He nearly didn't make it to his room, because he completely broke down in front of Max's.

The rest of his family had done their grieving, quick as the Nephilim were expected to, but now it was Alec's turn. He sat in front of Max's room for hours before anyone came across him.

"Alec?" Isabelle seems startled to find him there. He hoped she had not begun to think that he didn't care. He looked up at her, with tear tracks running down his red cheeks and hair plastered to his forehead.

"Oh, Alec." She sat herself down beside him and now it was her responsibility to comfort him. He let his head fall on her shoulder, even though it was uncomfortable for his neck. He just wanted to be held.

He woke up in the middle of the night, in nearly the same position but his head resting on a pillow rather than Izzy's shoulder. He was vaguely aware of a blanket resting on him and that his bag from Alicante was no longer next to him. Izzy must've put it away for him.

He dragged his feet to the nearest bathroom, hoping to find something to mend his broken heart. The only thing he found was a razor blade. He could have laughed at the irony of his situation. Only a few weeks ago, he was doing the same thing because he couldn't feel and now he was feeling too much.

Pressing the razor down hard against his wrist, he swiped it across quickly but it barely drew blood. Frustratingly, Alec ripped the plastic apart and took a blade out of it. He tried again, pressing down even harder than before, and roughly dragged it across his wrist.

This time, there was blood. Almost immediately, it began gushing out from his wound and for the first time, Alec panicked. It hurt, a lot more than any of the others had. He grabbed a hand towel from underneath the sink, using it to staunch the bleeding and apply pressure to his wrist.

He was beginning to feel faint and yet still managed to rush out of the bathroom, not even bothering to turn off the light or clean the blood off of the sink and tiles. He first instinct was to go to Jace's room, which wasn't too far but God, it felt like a mile away. He was out of breath by the time he arrived and the towel was past soaked. Alec thought he was seeing spots, but that could have just been paranoia.

Alec dropped the hand towel, because it hurt too much to grip it with his injured arm and he needed to knock with the other. And so he knocked. And knocked. And finally, after what could be the difference between life and death, he woke up.

"Hello?" He said through a yawn, still asleep for the most part.

"Jace." Alec panted, still resting a hand on his door. He thumped on it, leaving a bloody handprint.

"Alec, what do you want?" Alec could picture his furrowed eyebrows and frown. There was a rustle. "It's nearly 2 a.m.!"

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you at such a time." His voice cracked.

He could hear the bed creak from behind the door, indicating Jace had sat up rather quickly. He assumed he had heard the change in his voice, so different from the robotic sound he had gotten used to hearing over the past while.

In a matter of seconds, the door swung open and there stood Jace. Alec didn't wait to be ushered in, instead inviting himself to. He reached over to flick on the light, but gave a cry of pain. Jace reached over him and did it himself.

Once his eyes adjusted to the lighting, his mouth fell open to a perfect circle, in response to the sight he was greeted with. He pushed the door shut again and rushed over to retrieve his stele.

"Alec, what did you do?" Jace didn't want to take his eyes off his mess of a _parabatai_ , whom was stumbling over to his bed.

"I'm sorry, I just…" Alec sniffed and found a tear rolling down his cheek. He hastily wiped it away with his good hand, leaving smears of scarlet on his cheekbones. "I'm sorry."

Jace shook his head. He now kneeled before Alec, armed with a stele. "Look, I'm pretty sure I can heal you, but it'll still scar." He peered down at Alec's wrist, quickly realising this wouldn't be the first one there.

"This is going to kill, and you're going to black out. But when you wake up," Jace gulped. If. "You are explaining this to me. Okay?"

Alec nodded, eyes closed, and Jace began drawing the precious iratze on Alec skin, pouring his heart and soul into it, and if there was ever a time to call on the angel, it would be now. Alec collapsed with a groan, just as his marred skin, slowly but surely, began stitching the shreds of itself back together.

Jace himself fell back with a sigh, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He was suddenly aware of his cheeks being damp and leant forward, pressing a kiss to Alec's wrist, staining his lips with his brother's spilt blood.

He pushed himself up, breathed deeply once more, and set himself to scrubbing away the blood of the floors, praying that he would never have to do this again.

 **This may possibly become a two or three shot, because I want to write about Magnus's reaction to this and then again something similar post-COLS. Hint hint. READ AND REVIEW TO MAKE ME WRITE MORE XOXO**


	2. part 2

Alec woke up to Jace staring at him from an armchair at the end of the bed he was in, dark circles under his wide eyes. He tried to stifle a yawn, but when that failed, propped himself up on his right arm and raised his left to cover his mouth.

But he couldn't raise his arm. It was too heavy and it ached. He looked down at it, only to see what looked like a whole roll of bandages wrapped around his wrist. Then it all came back. What had happened, where he was, why he was here.

He glanced at Jace, feeling a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

"Morning," Alec said, without stopping his voice sound ashamed. He didn't want to get in the way of his emotions.

Instead of replying, Jace jumped out his armchair and wrapped his arms around Alec. This wasn't the reaction Alec was expecting. Jace should be disappointed in him, even _angry_ with him. Alec had failed him.

Jace kept his hands on Alec's shoulders, but pulled back and met his eyes.

"Why?" He said, sternly. He wouldn't let Alec get away with this.

Alec opened his mouth, then closed it again. He couldn't expect Jace to understand. Fortunately, he was saved by Isabelle yelling at him from downstairs.

"JACE! It's nearly 11. You can't still be asleep!"

Jace turned his head away from Alec. "Coming!" He yelled back.

Facing back to Alec, he said, "When I come back, you will explain, okay?"

"Okay," he muttered in response. "Just… don't tell them. Please? You don't the full story yourself yet…"

"Alright. I'll tell Izzy that you are still asleep, she said you had fallen asleep outside of Max's room last night."

Alec nodded and with that, Jace threw on a jumper and left the room. Alec waited until he couldn't hear Jace's footsteps anymore, then waited a few more minutes and only then did he deem it safe to sneak back to his own room.

Walking down the hall, he realised he was still wearing the plain shirt from yesterday, now dried blood spotting it, and no pants. Alec could feel his cheeks redden, and prayed no one would see him like this, although it was unlikely. They only just got back to the institute, after losing a member of their family, no one would dare visit.

He quickened his pace, until he could collapse against his own bed. He wanted to be able to lie there forever, but of course that wasn't possible. So he got up, against his own will, changed into fresh clothes and turned to one of the few people who he wanted to see right now. Magnus.

Magnus had left Alicante a mere week after Max's death, so it had been a few weeks since they had seen each other. They had kept in contact through texts and phone calls but Alec's heart ached and longed to see his alive eyes and hear his carefree laughs once more. Alec texted him, asking him to come over to the institute, knowing Jace or Iz would let him in.

Magnus replied within the minute, saying he would be there. Alec smiled at the thought and it felt good, even if unnatural. He needed Magnus more than ever and hoped he would still be willing to comfort him, after all these weeks. Hoping he hadn't given up on him.

Alec looked around his room. There was a small pile of clothes at the end of his bed, the ones he had just changed out of, and his bag that Izzy must've dumped here last night, but other than that, it just needed a good dusting. He was thankful that he was a somewhat neat person, because he didn't have the energy to clean up right now and too much movement would probably cause the cut to split open again.

He winced at the thought of it. Looking down, he realised just how thick the bandages were and Magnus would be sure to notice it. He began unravelling it…

Meanwhile, Jace and Isabelle were sitting in the kitchen, Jace chewing slowly through whatever Izzy had made and Izzy scrutinising him. He swallowed a mouthful and tried his best not to let how bad it was show on his face.

"So?" Isabelle demanded. "How is it?"

"It's…" Jace looked thoughtful for a moment, before deciding on a phrase. "Getting better."

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

Jace was saved having to answer that, by a sharp rap on the door. The kitchen was close to the front of the institute, so they could both hear it clearly. Jace took this opportunity to abandon Izzy's cooking disaster and ran to answer it. Isabelle chased after him, curious to see who would drop by.

Jace opened the door just as Izzy had rounded the corner.

"Magnus! I wasn't expecting you." Isabelle greeted.

"Yes, hello, how are you two?" He shot them both a dazzling smile.

"Good! And you?" Isabelle said, returning the smile while Jace looked on, looking bored.

"Same, same. I'm looking for Alexander, he said you two would let me in?"

"Oh." Isabelle frowned ever so slightly. She looked pointedly at Jace. "I thought you said he was asleep."

"He must have woken up then." Jace stood aside from the doorway, indicating Magnus to step in. "He'll be in his room." Jace said, waving his hands haphazardly.

Alec had just pulled off the last of the bandages, stained red and was looking dizzyingly at the thick scab that covered his wrist. He could see that the iratze Jace had drawn was clumsier than usual, and therefore he knew that it wouldn't heal quite as well. He'll have to get Jace to go over it later. There was a sharp rap at the door and a familiar, heart-warming voice.

"Alec, darling, are you in there?"

Alec sucked in his breath quickly and threw the wad of bandages under his bed.

"Yes, uh, just a second. I'm- I'm getting changed." He stumbled over his words and grabbed a loose, thick jumper out of his closet, and the door opened just as he had put it on.

Magnus smiled at his tussled hair.

"Did you think that you stop me?"

Alec tried to smile back but it faded quickly. He could feel tears springing to his eyes and he knew Magnus saw them too, but he refused to let them fall. He hung his head in shame, casting his eyes downward, away from Magnus.

"Oh, darling, you've been through so much. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you." Magnus whispered, lifting Alec's head up to meet his eyes. He wouldn't miss an opportunity to see those beautiful blue eyes.

"No… don't be sorry. Why would you have even wanted to look at me, let alone be around me?"

Magnus frowned. "Why would you say that?"

"I wasn't… I couldn't…" Tears spilled over his eyes, the last straw being that he couldn't get his words out properly. Alec flushed and tried to brush them away, embarrassed to have Magnus seeing his like this, but Magnus caught his hand.

"Let them fall. It's okay to be upset Alexander, it's okay." He soothed, and pulled him into a hug.

Alec tried to hug him back, to put his arms around his neck, but the wrist brushed against the jumper and he hissed in pain.

Magnus didn't want to let go, and Alec didn't want him to let go, but he pulled back.

"What's the matter?" He frowned, eying Alec's left arm, which had gone limp.

"N-nothing." Alec said hastily, trying to bring Magnus's eyes back to his own and off of his injured wrist, which was still covered by the jumper's sleeve, but he tugged at it with his fingers and pulled down just a tad more.

Magnus sighed, walked over to Alec's bed and sat down on it. Alec eyed him warily but followed suit.

"Did something happen to your arm?" Magnus asked, no nonsense, grabbing his hand but not yet pulling the sleeve back.

Alec knew he should tell Magnus, of all people, but he did owe it to Jace to tell him first. Yet, he couldn't very well say nothing was wrong, it was too late for that.

"We were training yesterday, and I was still shaken up from Max," The name brought fresh tears to Alec's eyes and he gripped Magnus's hand tighter, "And the blade slipped…"

"Can I take a look?" He said gently. Alec shook his head, a definite no.

"You seem to still be in pain though, shouldn't the runes have healed it by now?" Magnus said, reaching for Alec's sleeve, but he snatched his arm back and his mouth twisted into a scowl.

"Alec-" Magnus started, reaching for him, but he flinched away and Magnus pulled back, clearly upset.

"I'm sorry." Alec sat back up again, eyes brimming with tears, again, at the thought of making Magnus sad.

"No, don't be silly, I should be the one apologising. Just… tell me if it starts bothering you, okay?"

"I'm going to get Jace to draw another iratze, later on." Alec waved off his offer.

"One wasn't enough? It must have been pretty bad…" Magnus frowned and trailed off, eyes wandering to Alec's wrist again.

Alec gave him a look, and Magnus threw his hands up.

"Okay, okay! I'll stop. I'm just worried, that's all."

He looked around Alec's room, aware of Alec's eyes on him. He spotted the pile of clothes that Alec had ditched earlier on.

"Is… that's a lot of blood, Alec." Magnus commented, nodding to the clothes.

"Magnus!" Alec said, and you could hear the anger in his voice. Magnus looked startled, to hear such strong tones from someone who could barely muster a small voice just a few weeks ago.

"Alec… you know I hate to ask this, and please don't think I'm accusing you of lying, but… what really happened?" Magnus said, trying to remain calm.

Alec got up suddenly and pointed to the door, pulling a face when he made the mistake of using his injured arm.

"I don't need this. Not now."

Magnus raised his eyebrows. Alec's sleeve had slipped down an inch and Magnus could make out a thin trickle of blood running down his wrist. Alec noticed and lowered his arm, anger leaving his stance and expression.

Turning his back on Magnus, Alec rummaged through his bedside table, looking for a fresh roll of bandages, until he could get to Jace. He was shaking too badly to get a hold of anything and Magnus registered that he was crying silently.

"Here, love, let me." He said, softly, joining Alec at his drawers, resting one hand on Alec's lower back and the other searching for the bandages.

Magnus could feel Alec relaxing with his touch and leaning into him. He didn't want to let go off him, but he had now found the bandages.

"Here we are," he said, bending down and lightly touching Alec's jumper. "May I?"

Alec pulled up his sleeve and looked away, not able to bare seeing the disappointment and realisation on Magnus face.

"Oh, my love. Why would you do this? You're so beautiful." Magnus said, quietly, wrapping Alec wrist in a layer of the white cloth.

"But they are sort of beautiful, aren't they?" Alec replied, sounding a bit distant.

"Of course they are, and nothing could make you any less beautiful, but why would you feel the need to do this to yourself?" Magnus finished up with the bandages, and could feel his throat choking up.

Alec shivered and drew his arm away from Magnus.

"Please, don't do this. I don't think I can stand seeing you so broken." Magnus stood up and Alec turned his head to meet his gaze.

"I swear, I won't…" Magnus pretended not to notice that Alec didn't swear on the Angel, knowing that he couldn't.

"I- I just wanted to feel something. After M- after he died…"

Alec sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. Magnus took up his position next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, allowing him to fall against him. He didn't want to interrupt the silence, so he tried to convey with touches and gestures that he could always rely on him, lean on him.

"I love you, Magnus." Alec said offhandedly and inhaled sharply after it dawned on him what he just said. He didn't take any of his weight off of Magnus however, but he tried to cover it up.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Ssh. I love you too, Alexander." Magnus didn't have to look at Alec to know that he was smiling, and rested his head on top of his lover's.

 **Oh, well, that was a quick update… Please tell me when I make mistakes, because I write this kind of stuff all at once and don't proofread. I don't have the attention span to do otherwise. Thaks for the reviews and all that! xo**


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